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Page 2 vol.5  Feb.11, 2000

(Why) Breaking Up is Hard to Do: Reasons Why the Hurt is There - (cont.)

Given these factors, is it any wonder that the end of a meaningful relationship is so hurtful?

Another component of the pain experienced is the mourning of the potential that the relationship held, the "what might have been." If a person is so inclined to value the institution of marriage, any relationship in which he or she begins can potentially be "the one". Regardless of how people say that one shouldn't place such pressures on a new relationship, it is hard to dismiss that the possibility exists that this new person could be your partner for life. Few people begin a relationship with the thought, "I'm just going to stay in this for a little while and then I'll move on." People, on the front end at least, typically put their best foot forward when the relationship is new. As often happens, the newness eventually wears off and the real stuff surfaces. When the relationship ends, though, it is hard to not think of where the two of you could have gone in life if things had turned out differently; if the person, or the circumstances, or the timing might have been different. This loss of potential is powerful, and is frequently grieved.

I have often heard clients express that, once the relationship has ended, they feel a personal sense of failure, that maybe if they had done something differently or had stuck it out for just a little while longer, that things might have turned out differently. While this possibility exists, it is just as possible that things would have turned out exactly the way that they did if the person had hung in there for another 20 years.

Finally, a big reason for the difficulty in coping with a breakup is that the person was familiar to them. Often, people are simply used to having their partners in their lives. It is like that other person is a fixture, and that if he or she is taken away, it somehow disturbs a balance. This is frequently seen in relationships that were painful, destructive, or dysfunctional when they were intact. When that person is gone, it is sometimes difficult for some people to either get used to the change or move on to the point where they can establish a new relationship with someone else. Their thinking tends to be, "At least I know what I have with this person. I don't know about or don't want to have to deal with new problems that someone else might have."

What You Can Do

If one has tried everything that one can, and if one truly feels that staying in a relationship is more painful to them than being out of it, it is probably best to back away from the situation to at least get some perspective. In the case of someone grieving the loss of the relationship, my suggestion to them is to grieve it openly as if the relationship has suffered a physical death. By this, I mean that the person is to openly acknowledge feelings of loss and pain, even if the relationship was unhealthy. People have a tendency to selectively remember only the good times in a relationship. I have clients also acknowledge the difficult times, too, because they were every bit as real as the good ones. When clients talk about the loss of "what might have been", I openly acknowledge that things may have improved over time. Then, I present to them that there are only three possible ways that they relationship could have gone if the relationship continued: 1) It could have gotten better, 2) it could have gotten worse, or 3) it could have stayed the same. We immediately eliminate the possibility of things staying the same, because if that were tolerable the person probably wouldn't be out of the relationship. I then have clients carefully consider if they would have been able to tolerate it if things had gotten worse. The answer to this is almost always "no." As far as the possibility for improvement, I assess with them what was being done by the couple to make improvement a likelihood instead of merely a possibility. Remember, anything is possible. A person becoming the President of the United States is possible, but it is not likely for the vast majority of people in this country that they will one day become President.

Often, the people in therapy are the ones who were doing most of the work in trying to save the relationship. I reassure them that it takes the efforts of two people to salvage the relationship. This reassurance also helps to alleviate that sense of personal failure when things end. As far as the "familiarity" factor is concerned, I remind the person in session that his or her former partner had not always been a part of his or her life. There was a time before them, and there will be times after them. Keeping these facts clearly in mind can help mourners feel a sense of encouragement and empowerment, even when they miss their partners with all their heart. Missing your partner is normal and should be expected. Understanding some of the factors underlying the grief can go a long way in helping to get past the pain.

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    Dr. K specializes in African American issues relating to families and relationships.

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Emphasizing Racial Issues, Bradley Plans Detour to S.C.
Black Leaders in N.Y. Ask Democrats to Debate Urban Topics

By Mike Allen
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, February 7, 2000; Page A05

NEW YORK, Feb. 6óBill Bradley moved on several fronts today to refocus the Democratic presidential campaign around race, gambling that liberals in the South and West and African Americans in northeastern cities can save his candidacy.

Bradley and Vice President Gore, his rival for the nomination, had been spared the debate over the Confederate battle flag that has polarized South Carolina because only Republicans face a primary there on Feb. 19. But Bradley announced today that he would detour from campaigning in New York and California to speak Tuesday in South Carolina, where he plans to denounce the display of the Confederate flag and rebuke Texas Gov. George W. Bush for speaking at Bob Jones University, which bans interracial dating.

Asked how he could afford to take time away from the 16 states where Democrats will hold nomination contests on March 7, Bradley's press secretary, Eric Hauser, said, "Some issues are more important than politics."

On Monday, Bradley plans to take on Bush's brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush (R), by giving a speech in Tampa that supports the affirmative action policies the governor is repealing. On Wednesday, Bradley plans to unveil a major education proposal designed to aid inner-city parents and students.

Bradley often tells audiences that racial unity is not simply an issue but "is fundamental to who I am." The issue has been his signature for more than 30 years. After graduating from Princeton University, he tutored Harlem students as part of an Urban League program. When he played for the New York Knicks, he refused endorsement deals because he did not want to be marketed as "the great white hope."

But polls have shown him lagging far behind Gore among African American voters. Bradley's campaign has blamed that on President Clinton's popularity among African Americans and his own unfamiliarity to many in that community.

Today, Bradley launched his new focus by speaking to New York City's largest African American congregation and then holding a news conference with the Rev. Al Sharpton, the flamboyant civil rights crusader from Harlem.

While Sharpton did not quite endorse Bradley, he complained that Gore has been taking black voters for granted. "You don't expect a marriage before courtin', and so far we've only been dated by Senator Bradley," Sharpton said.

Sharpton and the Rev. Floyd Flake, a former congressman and maverick black leader who is an ally of Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani (R), challenged Gore to debate urban issues in a black neighborhood.

After the news conference, Sharpton said if Gore did not respond within about a week, "then clearly some of us may mobilize against his efforts." Gore, who met secretly with Sharpton in November, has said he plans to campaign in Harlem this year but has not promised to meet with Sharpton.

Bradley accepted Sharpton's debate proposal, calling it a "good idea." Gore's campaign was less clear. "We're still waiting for Senator Bradley to accept our challenge" of two debates a week in lieu of all television advertising, Gore spokesman Chris Lehane said. "We're going to be very aggressive in reaching out to the communities that make up the mosaic that is New York."

At Flake's church in Queens, Bradley told how his Little League team had been refused service at some burger joints in southern Missouri because the catcher and a left fielder were black.

"Discrimination may no longer be blocking the school door or not being able to go to a hotel, but we know that it exists," Bradley said. "I want you to know that I know that discrimination still takes place in the United States."

Bradley said his father, a banker in Crystal City, Mo., had taught him that he "could never tell who was going to repay their loan by the color of their skin."

"We need a little bit more of my father's spirit out there," Bradley said.

Flake is the senior pastor of Allen A.M.E. Church in Jamaica, Queens, where Bradley spoke this morning. Flake said he would not make an endorsement until after Gore had a chance to speak to the congregation. But Flake said Bradley shared his vision of making urban and rural communities into more productive places.

"We know that if elected, he would bring the same kind of commitment that he has to everything else that he's done in life, and it's all been successful," Flake said.

Sharpton said the debate should be "in New York, in a black community" and should cover "the issues of urban communities, the issues of race and the issues that have torn this country apart." He said that would "show an inclusive type of Democratic process, and not that we depend on traditional club bosses that are thought to be able to deliver us. We're in the 21st century."

"We want to be respected," Sharpton said. "When Vice President Gore ran in '88, it was a very polarized campaign. He needs to come back to New York and heal those wounds in 2000. Number two, he has not been in the black community."

Bradley began the day on NBC's "Meet the Press," where he warned that if Gore is nominated, the fund-raising scandals of 1996 will become a major issue in the general election.

"I think he has to explain more thoroughly than he has what was happening at the Buddhist temple," Bradley said. "I mean, if he didn't know it was a fund-raiser, then he was spectacularly naive. If he did know it was a fund-raiser, then he really did something wrong. . . . Republicans are going to bash on that issue, and there needs to be a fuller explanation."

Lehane said the Justice Department had reviewed the temple incident and concluded that "everything the vice president did was proper."

Staff writer Ceci Connolly contributed to this report.

© Copyright 2000 The Washington Post Company

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submitted works

I moved to Las Vegas recently and I miss home a great deal.  I have written
this poem to remind me of home.  If it is not publish worthy, I will
understand.  Thanks for the opportunity.

I was also wondering, how would I be able to have an article submitting in
here about a class action suit in South Carolina?

On a personal note, I hope all is well with you and yours!

My poem:
Oh New York!

I can't wait to et home and smell the dried urine that covers the streets of
New York
or say hi to the dead rats and waterbugs that lay on the sidewalks
or even walk through Central Park and have the rude tourist bump into and
they give you dirty looks because they believe it's your fault
or just to have a hamburger at Island Burgers or a quick drink at Otis,
or just to see how gloomy New York is,
but when the sun shines upon it,
there's no better place to be than New York!
the end!
Submitted by: BENANNA2@cs.com 

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Brothers and Sisters,
For the poet in you.

                 Natural Born Warrior's

My God!
Look at them!...how
magnificent they are!
Each woman and each man
Dressed all in a wondrous
Righteous glow of glory!
Going out to fight!...
For there enslaved
Brother's and sisters in
Hostile lands!
Some came with just the clothes
On their backs and with no shoes
On their feet!
But! they had FIRE! in their eyes and
Knew that this way of life.....called
SLAVERY!...they would have to
Their cry was clear and un-mistakable as the
Old Negro hymn sung long ago!That said "To go down
Moses and tell the
Old Pharaoh to let my people GO!...Who were these
natural born warrior's?
Well...come sit a spell and I will gladly
Tell you my dears...
Natural Born Warrior!
Natural Born Warrior!
Natural Born Warrior!
Natural Born Warrior!
Natural Born Warrior!
Natural Born Warrior!
Natural Born Warrior!
Natural Born Warrior!
Natural Born Warrior!
Natural Born Warrior!
Natural Born Warrior!
Natural Born Warrior!
All of these!
And many more that we do not
Know their names...
Fought for our freedom and glory!
With lion's hearts and blood that
So, I salute you all!...
My magnificent warrior's...
And your sufferings that was so
that it  STILL!... has yet to be told...
Peace and my love to you...
My spirit father....
I will not forget you...
Or the gift you so freely gave
My heart to hold!...
And do you know what that gift was?


@copyright Navita 1997

"Whoever Controls the Past, Controls the Future, Whoever Controls the Present, Controls the Past"

Note: Literature sent is not necessarily the opinion of the
mailer, she is a conduit for the masses.
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Brothers and Sisters,
Please read, pass along and act accordingly.

Subject : PAID summer internships for minority students at Iowa State University

In a message dated 1/21/00, Nina writes: Greetings!

I wanted to put another plug in for the summer
internship for minority students at Iowa State University.

I haven't received very many applications to date and
the deadline is FEBRUARY 1, 2000! This is chance for a
minority high school or undergraduate student to come
to Iowa State University to do research, all expenses

The fastest way to get our internship application is
to go to this web site:


There is a highlighted Word "application", you click
on that to get the application and then print. If you
have trouble, let me know...I can fax it to you! Or if
you prefer, I can send it too.
There you will find the College of Agriculture's at
Iowa State University summer internship program for
minority (African-American, Asian-American/Pacific
Indian, or Multi-Racial including one or
more of the minority groups listed) high school
students and undergraduate college students. Interns
must be U. S. Citizens or permanent residents and at
least age 16 by the start of the program-
June 2000.
The applications are due Feb.1, 2000 and the summer
program runs from June 3 - July 31, 2000 (starts June
18 for high school students). This is a great
opportunity for students to participate in research
and see Iowa State University.
Compensation: room, board, round trip travel, and
stipend ($1500 for high school and $2000 for
undergraduate students) are provided.
Students will conduct research on a faculty-led team,
participate in weekly seminars, social, cultural, and
educational activities, tours on and off campus and
complete a final report.
Examples of research include: mapping genes,
evaluating environmental quality, developing
educational opportunities, examining new ways to
determine seed quality, studying weather stress on
shade trees,
analyzing issues in early childhood and youth
development, investigating nutritional impacts on
human health, and much more...
The areas of interest (departments) include:
Ag. Biosystems Engineering (i.e., Water quality)
Ag. Economics (i.e., Entrepreneurship)
Ag. Education & Studies (i.e., Teaching & Learning
Education & Ag. Awareness)
Ag. Statistics (i.e., Statistical Consulting with
Researchers in
Agronomy (i.e., Precision Agriculture)
Animal Ecology (i.e., Fisheries and Wildlife Biology)
Animal Science (i.e., Livestock waste management,
Molecular genetics)
Apparel Merchandising, Design & Production (i.e.,
Product development
& design, merchandising & marketing strategies)
Biochemistry, Biophysics & Molecular Biology (i.e.,
Molecular &
Chemical processes in animals and plants)
Botany (i.e., Prairie, wetland, landscape ecology)
Entomology (i.e., Biological control of pests)
Food Science & Human Nutrition (i.e., Food product
development; diet
and health; value-added agriculture)
Forestry (i.e., Agroforests, watersheds, urban forests
and wood Science)
Horticulture (i.e., Urban agriculture)
Human Development and Family Studies (i.e., Early
childhood and youth
Microbiology (i.e., Infectious disease, environmental
microbiology &
microbial genetics)
Plant Pathology (i.e., Ecology of plant pathogenic
host-parasite interaction)
Sociology (i.e., Community organizational development)
Zoology/Genetics (i.e., Professional study in human or
animal nutrition)
United States Department of Agriculture-National
Animal Disease Center
Please feel free to contact me with any questions you
may have about
this internship.
Thank you.
Nina Grant
Director of Minority Programs
College of Agriculture
Iowa State University
23B Curtiss Hall
Ames, IA 50011-1050
Office: (515) 294-1701
Fax: (515) 294-2844
Email: nina1@iastate.edu

P.S. So you know where our interns came from last
year, here is a
list of the 1999 Summer Research Internship for
Minority Students at
Iowa State University.

High School

1. Akofa Bonsi Auburn, AL
2. Shane Castillo Kekaha, HI
3. Wendy Fitzgerald Portland, OR
4. LaToya Johnson Maywood, IL
5. Jared Kunitake Hilo, HI
6. Krystal Lofton Chicago, IL
7. Alicia McGhee Maywood, IL
8. Kristy Stotler Portland, OR
9. Xialing Wu Portland, OR


1. Ronald Grider Tuskegee University
2. Miranda Hancock Crownpoint Institute
3. Lantoria Harris University of Montevallo
4. Artanase Meme Florida A&M
5. Blucher Menelas Florida A&M
6. Damian Montoya Eastern New Mexico University
7. Rolanda Morris Prescott College
8. Elena Silva-Velarde New Mexico State University
9. Dustin Thunder Hawk Sitting Bull College


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Brothers and Sisters,
Please read, and pass along.
Subj:    Free Grad School for Professionals!
In a message dated 1/17/00, Aprille writes:
Dear Colleagues,
Please share this OUTSTANDING OPPORTUNITY and pass it
on to your colleagues or anyone or group you feel may
be interested. There is a VERYstrong emphasis on
recruiting people of color. The current deadline is
March 15, 2000.
For the fifth year, the Environmental Careers
Organization (ECO) is working in cooperation with
Tufts University in Medford, MA to recruit
This is a GRADUATE SCHOLARSHIP program for mid-career
professionals who seek a multidisciplinary graduate
education that combines environmental technology,
science, and policy. The program blends rigorous
academic coursework in environmental engineering,
health and policy, risk assessment, and management
with practical field experience. The aim is
to equip graduates with the environmental knowledge
and leadership skills to address complex issues of
environmental sustainability and equity.

Qualified candidates should have:

* Minimum of at least three years of professional work
* Background in science or technology (college major
or relevant experience)
* Course work in calculus and chemistry
* U.S. citizenship
* Demonstrated professional or personal commitment to
The deadline for applications is MARCH 15, 2000. The
time to apply is NOW!

For more information, go to ECO's webpage at
http://www.eco.org/ and click on "Diversity
Initiative." For specific questions, contact
Kristie King, Diversity Manager, The Environmental
Careers Organization: kristiek@eco.org or via phone at
973-744-6256. >>

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