(Why) Breaking Up is Hard to Do: Reasons Why the Hurt is There - (cont.)

Given these factors, is it any wonder that the end of a meaningful relationship is so hurtful?

Another component of the pain experienced is the mourning of the potential that the relationship held, the "what might have been." If a person is so inclined to value the institution of marriage, any relationship in which he or she begins can potentially be "the one". Regardless of how people say that one shouldn't place such pressures on a new relationship, it is hard to dismiss that the possibility exists that this new person could be your partner for life. Few people begin a relationship with the thought, "I'm just going to stay in this for a little while and then I'll move on." People, on the front end at least, typically put their best foot forward when the relationship is new. As often happens, the newness eventually wears off and the real stuff surfaces. When the relationship ends, though, it is hard to not think of where the two of you could have gone in life if things had turned out differently; if the person, or the circumstances, or the timing might have been different. This loss of potential is powerful, and is frequently grieved.

I have often heard clients express that, once the relationship has ended, they feel a personal sense of failure, that maybe if they had done something differently or had stuck it out for just a little while longer, that things might have turned out differently. While this possibility exists, it is just as possible that things would have turned out exactly the way that they did if the person had hung in there for another 20 years.

Finally, a big reason for the difficulty in coping with a breakup is that the person was familiar to them. Often, people are simply used to having their partners in their lives. It is like that other person is a fixture, and that if he or she is taken away, it somehow disturbs a balance. This is frequently seen in relationships that were painful, destructive, or dysfunctional when they were intact. When that person is gone, it is sometimes difficult for some people to either get used to the change or move on to the point where they can establish a new relationship with someone else. Their thinking tends to be, "At least I know what I have with this person. I don't know about or don't want to have to deal with new problems that someone else might have."

What You Can Do

If one has tried everything that one can, and if one truly feels that staying in a relationship is more painful to them than being out of it, it is probably best to back away from the situation to at least get some perspective. In the case of someone grieving the loss of the relationship, my suggestion to them is to grieve it openly as if the relationship has suffered a physical death. By this, I mean that the person is to openly acknowledge feelings of loss and pain, even if the relationship was unhealthy. People have a tendency to selectively remember only the good times in a relationship. I have clients also acknowledge the difficult times, too, because they were every bit as real as the good ones. When clients talk about the loss of "what might have been", I openly acknowledge that things may have improved over time. Then, I present to them that there are only three possible ways that they relationship could have gone if the relationship continued: 1) It could have gotten better, 2) it could have gotten worse, or 3) it could have stayed the same. We immediately eliminate the possibility of things staying the same, because if that were tolerable the person probably wouldn't be out of the relationship. I then have clients carefully consider if they would have been able to tolerate it if things had gotten worse. The answer to this is almost always "no." As far as the possibility for improvement, I assess with them what was being done by the couple to make improvement a likelihood instead of merely a possibility. Remember, anything is possible. A person becoming the President of the United States is possible, but it is not likely for the vast majority of people in this country that they will one day become President.

Often, the people in therapy are the ones who were doing most of the work in trying to save the relationship. I reassure them that it takes the efforts of two people to salvage the relationship. This reassurance also helps to alleviate that sense of personal failure when things end. As far as the "familiarity" factor is concerned, I remind the person in session that his or her former partner had not always been a part of his or her life. There was a time before them, and there will be times after them. Keeping these facts clearly in mind can help mourners feel a sense of encouragement and empowerment, even when they miss their partners with all their heart. Missing your partner is normal and should be expected. Understanding some of the factors underlying the grief can go a long way in helping to get past the pain.

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By Mike Allen
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, February 7, 2000; Page A05

NEW YORK, Feb. 6—Bill Bradley moved on several fronts today to refocus the Democratic presidential campaign around race, gambling that liberals in the South and West and African Americans in northeastern cities can save his candidacy.

Bradley and Vice President Gore, his rival for the nomination, had been spared the debate over the Confederate battle flag that has polarized South Carolina because only Republicans face a primary there on Feb. 19. But Bradley announced today that he would detour from campaigning in New York and California to speak Tuesday in South Carolina, where he plans to denounce the display of the Confederate flag and rebuke Texas Gov. George W. Bush for speaking at Bob Jones University, which bans interracial dating.

Asked how he could afford to take time away from the 16 states where Democrats will hold nomination contests on March 7, Bradley's press secretary, Eric Hauser, said, "Some issues are more important than politics."

On Monday, Bradley plans to take on Bush's brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush (R), by giving a speech in Tampa that supports the affirmative action policies the governor is repealing. On Wednesday, Bradley plans to unveil a major education proposal designed to aid inner-city parents and students.

Bradley often tells audiences that racial unity is not simply an issue but "is fundamental to who I am." The issue has been his signature for more than 30 years. After graduating from Princeton University, he tutored Harlem students as part of an Urban League program. When he played for the New York Knicks, he refused endorsement deals because he did not want to be marketed as "the great white hope."

But polls have shown him lagging far behind Gore among African American voters. Bradley's campaign has blamed that on President Clinton's popularity among African Americans and his own unfamiliarity to many in that community.

Today, Bradley launched his new focus by speaking to New York City's largest African American congregation and then holding a news conference with the Rev. Al Sharpton, the flamboyant civil rights crusader from Harlem.

While Sharpton did not quite endorse Bradley, he complained that Gore has been taking black voters for granted. "You don't expect a marriage before courtin', and so far we've only been dated by Senator Bradley," Sharpton said.

Sharpton and the Rev. Floyd Flake, a former congressman and maverick black leader who is an ally of Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani (R), challenged Gore to debate urban issues in a black neighborhood.

After the news conference, Sharpton said if Gore did not respond within about a week, "then clearly some of us may mobilize against his efforts." Gore, who met secretly with Sharpton in November, has said he plans to campaign in Harlem this year but has not promised to meet with Sharpton.

Bradley accepted Sharpton's debate proposal, calling it a "good idea." Gore's campaign was less clear. "We're still waiting for Senator Bradley to accept our challenge" of two debates a week in lieu of all television advertising, Gore spokesman Chris Lehane said. "We're going to be very aggressive in reaching out to the communities that make up the mosaic that is New York."

At Flake's church in Queens, Bradley told how his Little League team had been refused service at some burger joints in southern Missouri because the catcher and a left fielder were black.

"Discrimination may no longer be blocking the school door or not being able to go to a hotel, but we know that it exists," Bradley said. "I want you to know that I know that discrimination still takes place in the United States."

Bradley said his father, a banker in Crystal City, Mo., had taught him that he "could never tell who was going to repay their loan by the color of their skin."

"We need a little bit more of my father's spirit out there," Bradley said.

Flake is the senior pastor of Allen A.M.E. Church in Jamaica, Queens, where Bradley spoke this morning. Flake said he would not make an endorsement until after Gore had a chance to speak to the congregation. But Flake said Bradley shared his vision of making urban and rural communities into more productive places.

"We know that if elected, he would bring the same kind of commitment that he has to everything else that he's done in life, and it's all been successful," Flake said.

Sharpton said the debate should be "in New York, in a black community" and should cover "the issues of urban communities, the issues of race and the issues that have torn this country apart." He said that would "show an inclusive type of Democratic process, and not that we depend on traditional club bosses that are thought to be able to deliver us. We're in the 21st century."

"We want to be respected," Sharpton said. "When Vice President Gore ran in '88, it was a very polarized campaign. He needs to come back to New York and heal those wounds in 2000. Number two, he has not been in the black community."

Bradley began the day on NBC's "Meet the Press," where he warned that if Gore is nominated, the fund-raising scandals of 1996 will become a major issue in the general election.

"I think he has to explain more thoroughly than he has what was happening at the Buddhist temple," Bradley said. "I mean, if he didn't know it was a fund-raiser, then he was spectacularly naive. If he did know it was a fund-raiser, then he really did something wrong. . . . Republicans are going to bash on that issue, and there needs to be a fuller explanation."

Lehane said the Justice Department had reviewed the temple incident and concluded that "everything the vice president did was proper."

Staff writer Ceci Connolly contributed to this report.